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Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
WebMD

Topic Overview

What is borderline personality disorder?

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with self-worth. It can lead to troubled relationships in every area of a person's life.

Most of the time, signs of the disorder first appear in childhood. But problems often don't start until early adulthood. Treatment can be hard, and getting better can take years. Problems with emotions and behaviors are hard to improve. But with treatment, most people with severe symptoms do get better over time.

Recommended Related to Mental Health

Dysthymia

Important It is possible that the main title of the report Dysthymia is not the name you expected. Please check the synonyms listing to find the alternate name(s) and disorder subdivision(s) covered by this report.

Read the Dysthymia article > >

What causes this disorder?

Experts don't know exactly what causes borderline personality disorder. Problems with chemicals in the brain that help control moods may play a role. It also seems to run in families.

Often people who get it faced some kind of childhood trauma such as abuse, neglect, or the death of a parent. The risk is higher when people who had childhood trauma also have problems coping with anxiety or stress.

What are the symptoms?

Everyone has problems with emotions or behaviors sometimes. But if you have borderline personality disorder, the problems are severe, repeat over a long time, and disrupt your life. The most common symptoms include:

• Intense emotions and mood swings.
• Harmful, impulsive behaviors. These may include things like substance abuse, binge eating, out-of-control spending, risky sexual behavior, and reckless driving.
• Relationship problems. You may see others as either "good" or "bad" and may shift from one view to the other suddenly, for minor reasons. This can make relationships very difficult.
• Low self-worth.
• A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned). This fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those around you. Or it may cause you to reject others before they can reject you.
• Aggressive behavior.

Other symptoms may include:

• Feeling empty inside.
• Problems with anger, such as violent temper tantrums.
• Hurting yourself, such as cutting or burning yourself.
• Suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
• Times when you feel paranoid or lose a sense of reality (psychosis).

It's easy to confuse this disorder with other mental illnesses. And they may overlap. So if you think that you or someone you know may have borderline personality disorder, see a doctor. Don't try to diagnose yourself.

How is it treated?

Borderline personality disorder can be hard to treat. It's common for symptoms to return. And many people with the disorder have troubled relationships with their counselors and doctors.
But you can take steps to help control the disorder. Long-term treatment can reduce symptoms and harmful behaviors and help you better manage your emotions. Treatment may include:

• Counseling and therapy. It's important to fnd a counselor you can build a stable relationship with. This can be hard, because your condition may cause you to see your counselor as caring one minute and cruel the next, especially when he or she asks you to try to change a behavior. Try to find a counselor who has special training in treating this disorder.
• Medicines, such as antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics.
• Healthy habits, such as getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, getting regular exercise, and avoiding alcohol and drugs. These habits can help reduce stress and anxiety

Many people find relief from harmful symptoms within the first year of treatment.¹ And about half of those treated find that they no longer have most of the behaviors after about 10 years of treatment.¹
Unfortunately, many people don't seek treatment for mental health problems. They may think that their symptoms aren't bad enough or that they can work things out on their own. But getting treatment is key to improving your symptoms and the quality of your life.
People with this disorder often have other mental health problems such as depression, eating disorders, or substance abuse. Treatment can help with these problems too.

How can family and friends help? What can they do to cope?

Accepting that a loved one has a personality disorder can be hard. You may feel helpless. But there are things you can do to help. Show love, and learn as much as you can about the illness. Understand that the behavior you may see-which may include anger directed at you-is caused by the illness, not by the person you love.
Know when to get help. This disorder can cause a person to become angry, violent, or suicidal. Take these situations seriously. Call for help if you think the person may be in danger or may harm someone else.
Finding your own support is important too. Ask your local or state health department about local support organizations, or contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness. For more information, go to www.nami.org.

 

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WebMD Medical Reference from Healthwise

Last Updated: March 14, 2011

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Build a monument that will not distract from the real person she was

A MONUMENT TO HONOR MY MOTHER.....

 

Country Music stars win Country Music Awards. The greatest movie actors and actresses win Academy Awards or Oscars. Music video's and singers win MTV Awards. Smart people win Pulitzer Prize and or other awards like those. We have 1 day a year for Mother's Day and 1 day a year for Father's Day. Even secretaries get 1 day a year for Secretary's Day.

 

 

So, what kind of award should the best mother in the world get? Should it be a monument with enscriptions. Or is that more for political good doer's? Do we have a wife's day? Do we have a daughter's day? Should we have a sister's day?  We actually only  have 1 day for President's Day.

 

 

In order to build a monument to honor my Mother's life,, the statue would have to be as wide as the Wall of China and as tall as the highest skyscraper. In order to have all of the words written on this monument that would describe my mother,,, the print would have to be so small that you couldn't read it with a magnifying glass.  I know that my Mother is not the only mother that is so great, but I know that my Mother is the only mother that could have lived "her" life.

 

 

I have been trying to think of all of the things that my mother was. I could list them for days. You know, the "chief cook and bottle washer" theme. I could list them all here, but even in this written form, it could not begin to show the whole woman that she was!! And in all that she was,, she was perfect or "the best" at it. Wife, mother, daughter, sister, grandmother, best friend, cook and bottle washer!! And more.........

 

 

All in all, it was not that she was so smart, or so distinguished, or so pretty, or so vivacious.  It was that she did it all for one reason. All of these reason, was for the same reason. She was the best at whatever she did, because she thought she was suppose to. Whether it be following "the man of the house"(my father), or because she was honoring what God wanted her to do. She never waivered, or thought twice at what was asked of her. She did all of the things she did for other's and thier needs. I NEVER saw my Mother do anything for herself.  As a matter of fact...... I never saw her smile!

I will never know for sure, if this is what God wanted for her. So if by chance, she didn't have to do all of these things to make it into Heaven,,, I pray that her streets are truly covered in gold!

 

Of all of the mistakes I made when I was a young adult, as well as, when I was 50 years old, I missed the point of being good at everything if you had no smile. Then, I did not want to be like my Mother, and now, I would do my life over much different,, and more like my Mother!!!!!

Mom, thank you so much for being "my" mom!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 



Should we raise all children based on their needs????

"""Competition between brothers and sisters, or other family members"""

Do you love all of your relatives exactly the same?? If you are truthful you would say no. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so we say, "I love you all the same". If you buy one daughter socks,, you have to buy the other daughters some socks! What if they don't all need socks?? Do you have to spend the same amount of money on the other's?? This can be very disturbing at times. One child will say,,"You didn't get me what you bought for her!" How can you explain it while avoiding the truth that is: we are all different and we all feel different about each individual person??!! And each individual person feels a certain way about us!

I know in the Grandma Days,,, everyone were treated the same. That doesn't work in this day and age. Each child, each individual, have the righ to choose who they want to be. Some will choose nice things and some will choose bad things. Do you feel the same about either / or?? You punish bad behaviour and encourage good behavior. Of course, we love them all..... but not only are we all different from birth....... we all need different things to reach the same goal. The goal of living your life for God. The goal of living by the 10 commandments!


When I was young, I remember being asked, "Why can't you be like your sister?" When I was young, I remember being told that I was stubborn and pig headed(head strong). However, the punishment was the same for all of us. I am not sure if I agree with that. If my punishment as well as loving arms, were customized to my needs, I could grow up, Living the same respectful God fearing life as everybody else. Does that make any sense?

One sister like to be in the house learning to cook and household chores. One sister liked to be outside, being the "shadow" of the father, right by his side, even when he went hunting. However, this sister, couldn't be around blood. So when, my father brought in the "squirrels" or "rabbits" or fish,,, that was my like,,, helping gut the meat! And I was into sports that were very important to me.


LOVE... here are examples of how children are different;
one sister was emotionally strong for herself, not relying on other people telling her she was smart or pretty. She was the one who took after our mother's mother(Nanny). She read the bible and received strength from God when she was a young adult. She invented her own "joy" by being at the top of the class, and a strong, vibrant, beautiful woman,,, was her way of showing the world that "she" was important and her life mattered!!!! She didn't seem to need to be rocked or caudled. She created her own ending to her story's!

Love... here are examples of how children are different;
one sister was shy, quiet, closed off. You never really knew what she was thinking. She was the one that got her way by, coniving and creating her own story. It wasn't always a true story,,, but she was sneaky enough to "never get caught" or if she did, she blamed it on another sister. The parents would "never" believe that it was the " shy, quiet, close off" one! She leaned more on taking after the father. She always had that, "The earth owe's me" attitude. And " I am better than you"... At least the one's who didn't know the truth,, thought so....!!

Love... here are examples of how children are dfferent;
The baby girl, the last of the Mohecans, the one who had "big sisters" who were suppose to protect her. She needed the words... The "I love you's", the, "You are important!" The older sister, enjoyed being the "role model" and was a good one. However, the shy , quiet sister, was jealous of the baby sister, because she got alot of attention. Not because she was loved more, but because she was "the last one". There seemed to always be a competition between the baby sister and the middle sister. The mother would take a nap with the baby sister and rub her back until she fell asleep(until she was 14 years old!! LOL). The one thing that the baby sister needed, was the kind of love she received from the big sister and mother, but she needed to feel it from the "daddy". Since the baby sister was the "last hope" for a boy, she always felt,,, "not good enough". She tried to be the "tom boy", in hopes that she could be "Daddy's girl!"

So, read the examples over and over. Which one are you? Do even twins have the same personality? There are still differences, I think.

In this family,,, how do you raise the girls,, all the same??? The oldest daughter was independant, as soon as the sister was born 10 months after her. She was pushed to the side, not on purpose, but because when she was 10 months old,,, there was a sister behind her,, needing her bottle and her pacifier. That was the beginning of the oldest sister,, standing on her own !! When the sisters were 3 and 4 years old... along came the "last chance baby". The last chance for the father to have a boy. The 3 year old had a few years to pull on the heart strings of the parents, before the baby sister was born. When the two sisters began school,, it left the baby sister at home alone with mom and dad. This was the beginning of "the revenge of the baby sister! LOL". I think the mother noticed and understood that the baby sister try endlessly, to get the attention of daddy. This was the beginning of the "spoiled child"!!

Now, the rules were the same. Punishments were the same for the individual assailants! haha! things started coming in 3's. Everybody got shoes. Everybody got coats. Everybody ate the same food. No one was allowed to be unique. They all took piano lessons. As they all grew older, the personalities changed, but were stifled,, to a point! How do you give your children what they each need,,, and know,,, that they will all grow up happy?!!

PLEASE, in no way, have the parents in this scenario been bad parents, or negletful, or wrong. In my life, I have heard a thousand times,, " That is the way MY parents raised me". Except, my father had 9 brothers and sisters!! OMG, I always thought that each child should be allowed to be an individual. But, it is very hard, in the times when, everybody has to work for the same goal...... surviving! Do you think it is ok to cater to each childs different wants. I told my mother once, that she should have raised us different. I don't know now, if I believe that. The oldest sister needs privacy, the middle sister needs to think you love her more (in secret of course), and the baby sister needs to be told she is beautiful, smart, most of all, simply say I love you. I don't remember when I was very little,, but, I have even "begged" for loved ones to let me hear the words..............................., I love you, out loud. I was told that I was ridiculous. Even when I was 25 years old. Even when I begged at 35 years old. Even when I cried at 35, while pleading for my father to "tell me he loves me". All I got was anger, because , his love was raising me, and that's all I should need. When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday when I was 36,, I said for them to say, "I love you" to me. my father laughed and my mother cried, because she understood............................... what it felt like!!!!!!

So, when I punished my children, or when I punished my grandchildren... before and after each "different" punishment,, I say,, "But, I LOVE YOU, in spite!!

How many licks does it take to get to the center of.........

Those days when you dig and dig, trying to get to the flaws. You can not fix the problems until you find where they are coming from. Sometimes it takes a very long time as well as, alot of muscle. Some of us  don't want to know and turn our heads, which are the ones with a blind eye. I don't know what you gain by closing your eyes. I guess it will postpone the pain that we will unltimately feel. You will never escape what God wants you to see. Even on the day you leave this world, even if you can not respond.... He will show you what you  need to see.

Do we know what is on the other side?  How do we know whether we will have to pay for our sins after we die?? What is the punishment  for closing our eyes,, when we could  help those around us, with our truths and visions? Before I die I hope I have opened my eyes and am able to bear all responsibility for all things I have done... and all things I may do. We can't make other's forgive us,, but, we can ask God to forgive us,, and His foregiveness is all that is required to enter Heaven. My mother had an opportunity to finalize our past and turn it into tears of joy.

There was a day in the hospital, when, my mother called me from her hospital bed. She was so very excited. She said for me to get there quick she had some very good news. I did drive quick but was very careful. When I arrived she could not wait to utter the words that meant more to her and I both, than gold. She stated that God had come in to her room and sat on the end of her bed. She stated that he had shown her, kind of like, "clips" of her life. She said it was like a movie playing of her life. She wasn't sad, but she said God had made it clear that she had made some mistakes in her life that she shoulc apologize for. She also said that in each clip, she saw different times and places in her life, that she needed to see before she left this world. For me, even though I couldn't wait to see and hear what made her so vibrant with life, in a way I was sad. She said so many things that I had wondered if I would ever hear from her. She apologized for some of the things that had happened during our life. Without a sad tone in her voice,, she asked for forgiveness from me and let me know that all of my past had been forgiven. She also said to me, that she was not gonna let anyone speak of the past hardships, and would let them all know that we both had been forgiven by herself as well as, God.
She called and told my father that she had some good news, as well. I wasn't there when she talked with my father. I am not sure if he totally understood the magnitude of what had happen to her!!

She had been in the hospital for about a month. I had been going to visit with her at least once a week. I started going more frequent when I learned that she talked about "writing a book about her life". My daughter and I got together a small recorder with several blank tapes. She was excited to be able to tape herself, then someone could type her words. She could only use it when someone was there. Her hands couldn't push the buttons. It usually was my daughter who was there to turn it on. The first couple of times, she didn't talk much and was in alot of pain. The next tape is the one I don't like to hear. There was a time when, my mother asked, I mean demanded,, that the recorder be turned on. She ranted and raved about things that made no sense. She was mean to the nurses. She was mean to her family. And most of all, she was mean to my daughter, one who dropped everything she was doing to be there for "Grandma". "Grandma" told her that she (my daughter) should have never been born. "Grandma" also ranted about what a low life she (my daughter) was. The things she said were the most hurtful things I have personally heard from my mother. My daughter was crushed, to say the least. When my daughter left that day, she didn't come back for a week or so. I talk to her, as she described what my mother had said on the tape. With unbelieving ears, I listened. The voice did not seem like I had heard it before. The voice was deep, like a man's, and scratchy like someone with a cold. To this day, no one else has heard this particular tape. We passed it off to the medication that my mother had been taking. I dare not, to tell mother what she had said. I think this made me pray for her (my mother) even more than ever. It actually scared me a little. I sometimes wonder if that was Satan working his way inside her words. It almost worked if it were. A couple of people quit going to visit during those times. I found out the name of mothers preacher and/or church people that she trusted, one of who came that very night. After some medication changes and the blessing of the preacher and my prayer chain from all of my friends, things got better. For me, I say it was the prayer that was most important.

I said earlier, that "His forgiveness" is all you need to enter into Heaven. There came a time in my mother's illness that she couldn't speak. I believe that I was speaking on her behalf. I prayed everyday, multiple times for God to keep the gates of Heaven open for her. She was born a Christian and she would die a Christian. She believed that all things were possible with Jesus Christ beside you.
And I do not have a doubt that God and/or His Angels kept their arms around her.  She spent her entire time in the hospital, trying to please my dad. Even though she had her own feelings about things, she would always do what my father wanted, to a fault. When the decision came to put her on life support, to breathe for her and a feeding tube to feed her, she was adimate that she did not want it. She told all of us many times. However, when my father would enter the room,, she would wait to see what he wanted her to do and her decision then changed to whatever he had chosen for her. For me, it was painful to watch. When the hospital hesitated to put her on life support,,, they were met with a statement from my father,,, that if they did not do what "he" wanted,, them "he" would sue the hospital.  And they did............................  And we all watched her suffer. And my father would say to her,,,, "I am not ready for you to leave me".

How many times do you have to honor your husband, or wife, or mother, or father, or grandparents, to get to earn God's love and acceptance into Heaven?? No one can really answer those type of questions for you. But, I guess it starts with the definition of "honor"?   HONOR : honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions... or to be an honor to one's family. After 55 years of marriage, what does "honor" mean to a husband? or to a wife? I understand honesty and  integrity in one's beliefs and actions. It is the "fairness" definition that has me searching for a good answer.  "Fairness" is the state, condition, or quality of being fair  or  of being free from bias or injustice; even handedness!  SO, "" IN FAIRNESS,,, YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THE FEELINGS OF OTHER PEOPLE"", as well you would want fairness for yourself!

So, if a woman lived 55 years of her adult life, honoring her Father "God" and her husband and her duty to be a good wife and mother etc..., does there ever come a time when "the other people" would consider the feelings of her??? in fairness??3

By the time of my 5th husband, I would shiver like a scared kid.........

 

 

 

Hello world, my thoughts today have been like the movie " Pulp Fiction"!

 

I have written previous blogs about why I feel it necessary to lie. It really isn't that complicated. Simply listen to what people are talking about and then....... agree with what they say. It already sounds stupid to me too! You can also try learning other people's beliefs or learn what is important to them. You just have to make a mental note of how someone votes, or what religion they believe, or what they think about sugarless tea! I know,,, it sound coo coo to me too,,,now- that is! It even sounds funny, but not to the person who I have lied to. Some if not most of my lies have been by omition only. Someone asks you who you voted for. Always answer a question with a question,like, who they voted for, it only works sometimes.
I hope it doesn't sound too easy. It has taken me many many years, to even understand why and what I was doing. I am and have always been very ashamed of myself. This day will be the first day that I have ever admitted to my horrible behavior. Yes, I can say that I have learned why. I can blame it on someone else. But, today God gave me the reason to tell the world the truth. For one, I desperately hope that I can have an impact on other lives. And for once.. I can do something that would truly make me feel valued. My life is evidemce that nothing good comes out of lies. My earnest hope is that something very good comes from telling the truth.
I had somehow convinced myself that noone would love me the way I am. I could never see the good person that I was, when I was born. I can  not honestly say, that my life would have been better if I had told the truth, but I can truly say that I did make my life worse by NOT telling the truth. The truth is, you NEVER want to be the "boy who cried wolf".

I have spent the last 17 years  learning to tell the truth. The first thing I did, was distance myself from the people who "I thought" wouldn't love me if they knew the truth about me. And maybe another reason would be because I didn't trust myself to go "cold turkey"! And either way,, I felt I would be totally alone. Does it make sense yet? See, in my head,, they would not have loved me if they knew the truth from the beginning, and they sure wouldn't have loved me if I told them I had been lying.

I first had to figure out who I really was,, without putting it in the context of what I thought people wanted me to be.  Between the years of 1987 and 1989 I had gone through my second marriage and remained single for over 2 years. During this time,, I study the Bible every day. I wasn't sure what I was searching for and the meaning of the words in the Bible was hard to understand at times. I sometimes used the Living Bible, with an effort to easier understand the meanings of the writings that I struggled with. I was friends with a couple people who was involved with a Christian study group. It was helpful, because I could ask questions and get answers to some of my questions. I confided in some that I was struggling with who I was and how to "tell the truth" and "still be loved". Most of those in the group had a hard time understanding my delema even though it was clear to myself. When  I couldn't get answers as easily as I thought, I would sometimes let my depression get the best of me.

During that time, I moved into the "old" house that my grandmother had lived. It was a place that I felt love from the confines of the walls. I struggled to make peace with life when I was outside this protected haven of mine. I was able to enroll and complete Junior College with a double degree in a little over 2 years.
Although I was very proud of myself, I didn't feel like I had been given much support. The "usual" verbage of "you probably won't graduate" or "I don't know who would hire you". Of course,,, those kinds of statements were followed by a grin. Although they made the "sayer" laugh, I was not amused. I wondered right then, if I had ever been or would ever be "good enough".  My mother and father made a proposal that if I stayed and took care of the house,, that he would sign over to the deed so that I could own my own house. I hadn't owned very much in my life that hadn't been taken away from me. This is not to say that I never had anything. I always seem to manage to lose everything I owned,,, each time I married and divorced.  Anyway, it seemed like a way for me to finally own something that could never be taken away from me. It meant more to me than they knew. And of course, the day would come when along with any respect I had for myself... they took that away as well. I think my lies took a large leap to consume my life from that point on.

I had lived years 1-18 working along side of my family to work together to survive. We raised our own food for us to eat, corn and grain to feed the animals, as well as, to sell to the markets for money. We raised our own meat, not only for our consumption, but for chicken eggs and quail eggs. We always raised 2 hogs a year that we would render ourselves to put in the freezer as well as, raise baby pigs to fatten up for next year. I didn't have any brothers, so it was left up to my sisters and myself to learn most aspects of the days, and to simply "do what you were told". There were hours spent picking corn by hand as well as, shelling each kernel of corn into a bucket that would feed most of the animals we fed. There were hours spent picking strawberries, green beans, peas, and many many fruits and vegetables that would survive us through the winters. There may have been some free time,,, but it was filled with canning and putting in the freezer,, the food that we had knew we would need. Put the words "ditto" behind ever word,, and you wouldn't have to ask me what we were doing tomorrow. As I grew older, the only extracurricular activies I was able to join, was anything that I could do during school hours. After school, weekends and holidays were spent doing something "meaningful". If I pushed a little to do "something" "anything" different,, I was told we couldn't afford it. We were always told, " this will all be yours someday"..... I was a GREAT student and a great friend. I even considered myself a great sister. If you ask me if I was a great daughter??? I am not sure how to answer.  I do know, that there are thousands of memories locked in my brain, some good and some bad. But, all of my memories and dreams include the fact that "it would all be mine some day". It drove me to do better and work harder and fill the questions with the words, it will be worth it someday.
 


 

 



...an unprovoked, "I love you"!

August 19th, 2013

I have been searching every day,, with questions that I don't have answers for. I don't feel abused. I don't feel wronged. I don't feel jealous or defensive. I have "always" written my feelings on paper. From a young teenager, I have used many pages of paper to resolve my own issues. I have always felt,, that if I revealed my feelings vocally, that I would be judged for having different thoughts as the people that are around me. Or that I would not be "loved" if I was different. I am not sure where those emotions came from, for sure. However, I have always kept my true emotions locked inside. To this day, I think out loud, which can sometimes be bad. Sometimes my words don't come out right and with writing, I can backtrack and erase! I always start my writings or vocal messages with, I have no intention of hurting anyone. And my feelings are my feelings.  I lived all of my childhood and most of my adulthood never hearing  words like, I could be anything if I try . I did learn many many years into adulthood, that I suffered with "Borderline Personality Disorder. I have wondered since then, if had I known about the disorder, maybe my life would have been so different. This illness causes a person to feel worthless, to feel not good enough, or can make your decision process so different than "normal" thoughts. I never wanted use this as an excuse for hurting people with my words. However, I know now, that my life could have been much different. I think the hardest thing for me was, needing the verbal and emotional validation of emotion, even when the physical proof was always there. If you are confused I will say, a very good example would be, although there was much physical proof that people loved me,, I always needed those words to be to cement it into my brain. And when someone asked me, "How do you know if someone is telling the truth  about loving you? How do you know that they are just telling you what you want to hear??" That day I was devistated........but for whatever the reason...... I still need to hear an unprovoked, "I love you"!

If I have a child that needs socks, I would get them socks. If I have a child that needs medicine, I would give them medicine. If I have a child that needs nice clothes to help feel special, I would give that also. Encouragement is free. How easy is it to say," You are beautiful"? How easy is it to say,"I love you"? If my child tells me that what they want for thier birthday is for me to say "I love you",,, I would say it 10 times 10!! If my writing ever reaches an audience that feels like words are not as important as actions,, I hope that my "words" are not easily tossed away. And if you give all material, physical, and emotional needs to the ones you love,,, you know you have tried your best!! I could go on and on and on about emotional encouragement,,, but I have learned through the years to take what you get and make some of your own happiness. One of my greatest lessons I try to teach my children and grandchildren is Love needs to be spoken and shown repeatedly, just like you eat food everday!!

I don't want to dwell too much on this issue, although it is important. There are many things I have learned about my life and my family that I want to share and I will remind you from time to time how important it is to chisel your love onto the stone!!!

as seen through my eyes....

I haven't quite figured out how to start this new blog. I can either write things that have been important to me and dedicate these writings to My Mother Janis or I can write about her life as seen through my eyes. She always talked about writing a book about her life (good and bad). She was always the kind of provider, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, or friend, who committed everything she did to the other person. She never really did anything for herself. When I watched her through my young child eyes,, I never understood why anyone would put their life on hold and spend every breath creating happiness for everyone else. I never knew for sure, if she was happy living her life that way. I am not sure if she ever thought that life should or could be different than the way she lived it. Well, I saw bits and pieces of sadness from time to time, however, she would not admit to any unhappiness.

The generations of the mid 1950's,, didn't give themselves the option to be "unhappy"!! When a woman said "I Do", she meant,, "I will do and do and do and do and do what it takes to be a  good wife, mother and more! My father was 8 years older than My Mother Janis, and he also had strong feelings about the "I Do" words. He meant,, " I will do and do and do, whatever it takes to feed, clothe, and provide shelter for his family. We didn't see our father very much. He taught himself how to fix and repair radio and televisions and soon open a repair shop. He worked many hours to provide what our family needed, including home, shelter, clothing, food, etc... We raised chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, pigs, and quail. Since he thought that wasn't enough... he trapped in the particular seasons for additional income. He made good money for the pelts of racoon, muskrat, mink, coyote, as well as selling the carcus. We planted and harvested many fruits, nuts,  and vegetables not only for our consumption, but also corn to feed the animals and additional produce, like, strawberries or green beans,  to sell to different markets. There was a time in the summer that my father spent many additional hours fishing, whether with a rod and reel... or trot lines... or fish traps. He never missed a "deer season" or "squirrel season" or any other chance to put food on the table.  I missed not having his attention, but learned early that giving me attention was the last on the list of "things to do"!!

My two sisters and I, worked at all of our "idle times" helping. Not having a brother, was very missed at times... but we desperately did whatever was needed. However, to tell the truth,, although our father would be "on" the tractor, or "out" in the swamp, or "in" the woods,, I never stopped wishing I was with him.  As you will learn in my writings... the three of us "girls", were all different in our emotional and physical needs, as well as, how we reacted and dealt with the positive and the negative parts of our lives. My "big" sister was and has always been my rock. She always seemed to know "exactly" what to say and do to make things better. I have always tried to be like her. However, she had something I could never master.  She never understood why I allowed my doubts to creep into my head and make me cry. She ALWAYS said, "why do you let that stuff bother you?" I never had an answer. I dreamt most dreams about making my parents proud and never feeling "good enough".
My "big" sister tried very hard to "make me feel good enough". There was never a time when I felt like I earned the right to be loved. Ask her now, and she will tell you that "I love you" are just words!
And although we said it to each other,,, I cried many a night, begging God for those words to come from my father. I hope that some of my readers will understand what that feels like! Although I "just knew" he loved me, I could never shake the desire to be held in his arms, or on his lap, or get the kiss on the forehead,,, right before he said those magical words, "I love you".   M.a.g.i.c.a.l.,, is the key words. I couldn't explain  why it was so important....to me..... it just was. And my father made fun and finally got angry over the issue.  There came a time, when I forgot about it and unknowingly... I spent my young adult years, searching for something to fill the void that I thought I had.

Dad, I want you to know that you were a great provider, husband, father, grandfather, and great grandfather. Dad, I want you to know that I understand that you love me. Dad, I never want you to feel like you made any mistakes. Dad it was never your fault that my heart needed something that even I didn't understand. Dad, the only things I ask, is for you to allow me to be "who I am", and  for you to know that when I say, " I love you",,, it is not just words,,, it means more than just 3 words. It means, you are, and always have been, and always will be,, the most important man in my life!!

I am the "baby" in the family. I was the last one born. My parents were told that after me being born, they didn't want my mother to have anymore children. My mother had the first two children in the same year!!  January 1957 and December 1957. They were both C-section births as well as my birth also, being 3 years later. For some reason, I sometimes felt that I was their last chance to have a "boy".  And maybe that alone is what manifested the thoughts of being a failure in myself. There is one other wrinkle in the fabric of what was to begin my life.... I am not sure if there are any normality to being the "baby", being the middle child , or being the first born? I do know that my two older sisters (born in the same year), were sorta raised as twins. They shared many things being so close together. I don't know what  life was like before me... however, there was always a competition between the middle sister and myself. I don't have alot of memories of my young childhood,, but the ones I have include, (what I thought of then) as competition between daughter #2 and daughter #3(me)! To this day, I don't understand the resentment that I have always felt between us. I have several memories, that of course, only include the issues that were from my point of view. It may not seem fair, to only give the facts as I saw them. I have always been sure,,, that I did something to deserve it.  Maybe, in my writing, I will be able to figure out,, where it all started and where it might end??

I don't know whether to start this part of my blog, with childhood memories, or start from yesterday and work my way back to the day I was born? It seems a little tricky, but, let me tell you what happened yesterday.

My daughter, who is 34 years old, received a letter from a family member. We'll just call the family member,   #2  !  She let me read it.  It was not like any letter I have ever seen, from a family member. It didn't even start "Dear (my daughter),, how have you been?" She could have written something like, "I heard you have been ill and may have cervical cancer." It could have said," I heard you(my daughter), have been in excrusciating pain for months". It could have said something like, "Is there anything I( #2 ) can do to make things better?" Or maybe, "I heard your mother(me), has had a cancer scare of her own(me)?"  Maybe something like, "We have all been praying for you(my daughter)"..... But, that is not what the letter said.    I first want to say that, I don't think that " #2 " has spoken to "my" family since my mother died a year and a half ago, when we had a big "Jerry Springer fighting" moment? Well, I will try to be considerate to her( #2 ) feelings, but if not,,, I will intentionally tell the absolute truth, as I see it. The first thing I thought was odd, for  #2 , was the envelope  didn't have my daughters last name correct. She changed her last name about 12 years ago. hmmm... The letter began, "You borrowed money over 4 years ago. And your balance is $$ ?, please make an effort to repay your balance. Blah blah blah blah,, blah blah. Love you all,   #2 .....".   This kind of "love you all" is one of those times that makes you wonder!!

Let's go back to November 10th, 2011, the day my mother died after being hopsitalized for 75 days. The hospital was alot of miles away and very hard for me to make the drive. I have been disabled for over 10 years. Whenever I would call Mom in the hospital, she would insist that I don't make the trip. As always,,, she made her situation sound "not important". Considering that I had limited contact with mom, dad, and my sisters,,, for over 15 years,,, I  knew that my mother knew how much I loved her. Even though, sis-two was not privy to the relationship that my mother and I had for that 15 year period,,, the truth was, that Mom and I had grown closer and closer in those times, just as we were always close and at  her last days. She knew that she could trust me to be the sounding board,,, when she needed to vent. I spent many many years, biting my tongue and holding my temper as my mom told me things that upset her. She knew, that since I was mostly absent, she could say whatever she needed and trusted that I would not let her words appear in anyone elses ears!! There are many things that I am not prepared to discuss right now, but I will remind my readers  that there will come a time, when you feel my tears as if you could see my face while I cried!!!

The 75 days that my Mom spent in the hospital before her death, were the most horrible yet some of  the most  fullfilling days of my life!!! Some great feelings had come to the surface, as well as, fear for my love for her, being interupted by things beyond my control. The relationship that we had built over the last 10 or so years,,, had gradually become a strong bond. It isn't a secret that my life in my young adulthood, was very troubled. I think if it was simply "the devil" that was against me, I could have dismissed  him from my life. The fact that I fought hard to prove myself to my family. Trying to prove that I deserved unconditional love,, wasn't that simple... I will admit, even though I wasn't aware at the times,,, I fought my inner self, which left me too weak to pull up the weeds,,, that shaded the beautiful flowers that were trying to grow. I have been told many many times, that I was the "black sheep"...that I would never have a good life... Without the arms and hands,, of the people who I was trying to please...>>and make love me........... I couldn't reach up far enough to climb out of my hole that swallowed me up! I know NOW, that I suffered most of my years,,, with an illness called "Borderline Personality Disorder".  I have NO idea when or how it manifested inside my thought process and I do not "blame" anyone for "not" understanding. Sometimes I regret the 15 years or so, that I spent learning who I am and how to simply "love" myself. Even now, today, when I try to discuss my past issues,, I get the same responce....... "WHY COULDN'T I JUST "NOT" LET  THINGS  BOTHER  ME???"  

All I need is for those people who are suppose to love me,,,,, to understand that at 52 years old,,, I have no answer!! And I can only sk forgiveness for so long. Some people are very strong and some people are weak, and some people are rude and some people are mean. Some people love the faults and also the successes. The only answer I have is, I won't judge you, although we disagree, and I hope when you look in my eyes,,,,, you see the love I have for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I will never stop saying,,""I love you"!!!!!!!! And hope that you say it back,,, just because I need to hear it .....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For every time you say it,,,, I will promise to try,,,,,,not disapoint you. !!      

Love you all,
Melinda
2013