Those days when you dig and dig, trying to get to the flaws. You can not fix the problems until you find where they are coming from. Sometimes it takes a very long time as well as, alot of muscle. Some of us don't want to know and turn our heads, which are the ones with a blind eye. I don't know what you gain by closing your eyes. I guess it will postpone the pain that we will unltimately feel. You will never escape what God wants you to see. Even on the day you leave this world, even if you can not respond.... He will show you what you need to see.
Do we know what is on the other side? How do we know whether we will have to pay for our sins after we die?? What is the punishment for closing our eyes,, when we could help those around us, with our truths and visions? Before I die I hope I have opened my eyes and am able to bear all responsibility for all things I have done... and all things I may do. We can't make other's forgive us,, but, we can ask God to forgive us,, and His foregiveness is all that is required to enter Heaven. My mother had an opportunity to finalize our past and turn it into tears of joy.
There was a day in the hospital, when, my mother called me from her hospital bed. She was so very excited. She said for me to get there quick she had some very good news. I did drive quick but was very careful. When I arrived she could not wait to utter the words that meant more to her and I both, than gold. She stated that God had come in to her room and sat on the end of her bed. She stated that he had shown her, kind of like, "clips" of her life. She said it was like a movie playing of her life. She wasn't sad, but she said God had made it clear that she had made some mistakes in her life that she shoulc apologize for. She also said that in each clip, she saw different times and places in her life, that she needed to see before she left this world. For me, even though I couldn't wait to see and hear what made her so vibrant with life, in a way I was sad. She said so many things that I had wondered if I would ever hear from her. She apologized for some of the things that had happened during our life. Without a sad tone in her voice,, she asked for forgiveness from me and let me know that all of my past had been forgiven. She also said to me, that she was not gonna let anyone speak of the past hardships, and would let them all know that we both had been forgiven by herself as well as, God.
She called and told my father that she had some good news, as well. I wasn't there when she talked with my father. I am not sure if he totally understood the magnitude of what had happen to her!!
She had been in the hospital for about a month. I had been going to visit with her at least once a week. I started going more frequent when I learned that she talked about "writing a book about her life". My daughter and I got together a small recorder with several blank tapes. She was excited to be able to tape herself, then someone could type her words. She could only use it when someone was there. Her hands couldn't push the buttons. It usually was my daughter who was there to turn it on. The first couple of times, she didn't talk much and was in alot of pain. The next tape is the one I don't like to hear. There was a time when, my mother asked, I mean demanded,, that the recorder be turned on. She ranted and raved about things that made no sense. She was mean to the nurses. She was mean to her family. And most of all, she was mean to my daughter, one who dropped everything she was doing to be there for "Grandma". "Grandma" told her that she (my daughter) should have never been born. "Grandma" also ranted about what a low life she (my daughter) was. The things she said were the most hurtful things I have personally heard from my mother. My daughter was crushed, to say the least. When my daughter left that day, she didn't come back for a week or so. I talk to her, as she described what my mother had said on the tape. With unbelieving ears, I listened. The voice did not seem like I had heard it before. The voice was deep, like a man's, and scratchy like someone with a cold. To this day, no one else has heard this particular tape. We passed it off to the medication that my mother had been taking. I dare not, to tell mother what she had said. I think this made me pray for her (my mother) even more than ever. It actually scared me a little. I sometimes wonder if that was Satan working his way inside her words. It almost worked if it were. A couple of people quit going to visit during those times. I found out the name of mothers preacher and/or church people that she trusted, one of who came that very night. After some medication changes and the blessing of the preacher and my prayer chain from all of my friends, things got better. For me, I say it was the prayer that was most important.
I said earlier, that "His forgiveness" is all you need to enter into Heaven. There came a time in my mother's illness that she couldn't speak. I believe that I was speaking on her behalf. I prayed everyday, multiple times for God to keep the gates of Heaven open for her. She was born a Christian and she would die a Christian. She believed that all things were possible with Jesus Christ beside you.
And I do not have a doubt that God and/or His Angels kept their arms around her. She spent her entire time in the hospital, trying to please my dad. Even though she had her own feelings about things, she would always do what my father wanted, to a fault. When the decision came to put her on life support, to breathe for her and a feeding tube to feed her, she was adimate that she did not want it. She told all of us many times. However, when my father would enter the room,, she would wait to see what he wanted her to do and her decision then changed to whatever he had chosen for her. For me, it was painful to watch. When the hospital hesitated to put her on life support,,, they were met with a statement from my father,,, that if they did not do what "he" wanted,, them "he" would sue the hospital. And they did............................ And we all watched her suffer. And my father would say to her,,,, "I am not ready for you to leave me".
How many times do you have to honor your husband, or wife, or mother, or father, or grandparents, to get to earn God's love and acceptance into Heaven?? No one can really answer those type of questions for you. But, I guess it starts with the definition of "honor"? HONOR : honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions... or to be an honor to one's family. After 55 years of marriage, what does "honor" mean to a husband? or to a wife? I understand honesty and integrity in one's beliefs and actions. It is the "fairness" definition that has me searching for a good answer. "Fairness" is the state, condition, or quality of being fair or of being free from bias or injustice; even handedness! SO, "" IN FAIRNESS,,, YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THE FEELINGS OF OTHER PEOPLE"", as well you would want fairness for yourself!
So, if a woman lived 55 years of her adult life, honoring her Father "God" and her husband and her duty to be a good wife and mother etc..., does there ever come a time when "the other people" would consider the feelings of her??? in fairness??3
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