"""Competition between brothers and sisters, or other family members"""
Do you love all of your relatives exactly the same?? If you are truthful you would say no. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so we say, "I love you all the same". If you buy one daughter socks,, you have to buy the other daughters some socks! What if they don't all need socks?? Do you have to spend the same amount of money on the other's?? This can be very disturbing at times. One child will say,,"You didn't get me what you bought for her!" How can you explain it while avoiding the truth that is: we are all different and we all feel different about each individual person??!! And each individual person feels a certain way about us!
I know in the Grandma Days,,, everyone were treated the same. That doesn't work in this day and age. Each child, each individual, have the righ to choose who they want to be. Some will choose nice things and some will choose bad things. Do you feel the same about either / or?? You punish bad behaviour and encourage good behavior. Of course, we love them all..... but not only are we all different from birth....... we all need different things to reach the same goal. The goal of living your life for God. The goal of living by the 10 commandments!
When I was young, I remember being asked, "Why can't you be like your sister?" When I was young, I remember being told that I was stubborn and pig headed(head strong). However, the punishment was the same for all of us. I am not sure if I agree with that. If my punishment as well as loving arms, were customized to my needs, I could grow up, Living the same respectful God fearing life as everybody else. Does that make any sense?
One sister like to be in the house learning to cook and household chores. One sister liked to be outside, being the "shadow" of the father, right by his side, even when he went hunting. However, this sister, couldn't be around blood. So when, my father brought in the "squirrels" or "rabbits" or fish,,, that was my like,,, helping gut the meat! And I was into sports that were very important to me.
LOVE... here are examples of how children are different;
one sister was emotionally strong for herself, not relying on other people telling her she was smart or pretty. She was the one who took after our mother's mother(Nanny). She read the bible and received strength from God when she was a young adult. She invented her own "joy" by being at the top of the class, and a strong, vibrant, beautiful woman,,, was her way of showing the world that "she" was important and her life mattered!!!! She didn't seem to need to be rocked or caudled. She created her own ending to her story's!
Love... here are examples of how children are different;
one sister was shy, quiet, closed off. You never really knew what she was thinking. She was the one that got her way by, coniving and creating her own story. It wasn't always a true story,,, but she was sneaky enough to "never get caught" or if she did, she blamed it on another sister. The parents would "never" believe that it was the " shy, quiet, close off" one! She leaned more on taking after the father. She always had that, "The earth owe's me" attitude. And " I am better than you"... At least the one's who didn't know the truth,, thought so....!!
Love... here are examples of how children are dfferent;
The baby girl, the last of the Mohecans, the one who had "big sisters" who were suppose to protect her. She needed the words... The "I love you's", the, "You are important!" The older sister, enjoyed being the "role model" and was a good one. However, the shy , quiet sister, was jealous of the baby sister, because she got alot of attention. Not because she was loved more, but because she was "the last one". There seemed to always be a competition between the baby sister and the middle sister. The mother would take a nap with the baby sister and rub her back until she fell asleep(until she was 14 years old!! LOL). The one thing that the baby sister needed, was the kind of love she received from the big sister and mother, but she needed to feel it from the "daddy". Since the baby sister was the "last hope" for a boy, she always felt,,, "not good enough". She tried to be the "tom boy", in hopes that she could be "Daddy's girl!"
So, read the examples over and over. Which one are you? Do even twins have the same personality? There are still differences, I think.
In this family,,, how do you raise the girls,, all the same??? The oldest daughter was independant, as soon as the sister was born 10 months after her. She was pushed to the side, not on purpose, but because when she was 10 months old,,, there was a sister behind her,, needing her bottle and her pacifier. That was the beginning of the oldest sister,, standing on her own !! When the sisters were 3 and 4 years old... along came the "last chance baby". The last chance for the father to have a boy. The 3 year old had a few years to pull on the heart strings of the parents, before the baby sister was born. When the two sisters began school,, it left the baby sister at home alone with mom and dad. This was the beginning of "the revenge of the baby sister! LOL". I think the mother noticed and understood that the baby sister try endlessly, to get the attention of daddy. This was the beginning of the "spoiled child"!!
Now, the rules were the same. Punishments were the same for the individual assailants! haha! things started coming in 3's. Everybody got shoes. Everybody got coats. Everybody ate the same food. No one was allowed to be unique. They all took piano lessons. As they all grew older, the personalities changed, but were stifled,, to a point! How do you give your children what they each need,,, and know,,, that they will all grow up happy?!!
PLEASE, in no way, have the parents in this scenario been bad parents, or negletful, or wrong. In my life, I have heard a thousand times,, " That is the way MY parents raised me". Except, my father had 9 brothers and sisters!! OMG, I always thought that each child should be allowed to be an individual. But, it is very hard, in the times when, everybody has to work for the same goal...... surviving! Do you think it is ok to cater to each childs different wants. I told my mother once, that she should have raised us different. I don't know now, if I believe that. The oldest sister needs privacy, the middle sister needs to think you love her more (in secret of course), and the baby sister needs to be told she is beautiful, smart, most of all, simply say I love you. I don't remember when I was very little,, but, I have even "begged" for loved ones to let me hear the words..............................., I love you, out loud. I was told that I was ridiculous. Even when I was 25 years old. Even when I begged at 35 years old. Even when I cried at 35, while pleading for my father to "tell me he loves me". All I got was anger, because , his love was raising me, and that's all I should need. When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday when I was 36,, I said for them to say, "I love you" to me. my father laughed and my mother cried, because she understood............................... what it felt like!!!!!!
So, when I punished my children, or when I punished my grandchildren... before and after each "different" punishment,, I say,, "But, I LOVE YOU, in spite!!
