August 19th, 2013
I have been searching every day,, with questions that I don't have answers for. I don't feel abused. I don't feel wronged. I don't feel jealous or defensive. I have "always" written my feelings on paper. From a young teenager, I have used many pages of paper to resolve my own issues. I have always felt,, that if I revealed my feelings vocally, that I would be judged for having different thoughts as the people that are around me. Or that I would not be "loved" if I was different. I am not sure where those emotions came from, for sure. However, I have always kept my true emotions locked inside. To this day, I think out loud, which can sometimes be bad. Sometimes my words don't come out right and with writing, I can backtrack and erase! I always start my writings or vocal messages with, I have no intention of hurting anyone. And my feelings are my feelings. I lived all of my childhood and most of my adulthood never hearing words like, I could be anything if I try . I did learn many many years into adulthood, that I suffered with "Borderline Personality Disorder. I have wondered since then, if had I known about the disorder, maybe my life would have been so different. This illness causes a person to feel worthless, to feel not good enough, or can make your decision process so different than "normal" thoughts. I never wanted use this as an excuse for hurting people with my words. However, I know now, that my life could have been much different. I think the hardest thing for me was, needing the verbal and emotional validation of emotion, even when the physical proof was always there. If you are confused I will say, a very good example would be, although there was much physical proof that people loved me,, I always needed those words to be to cement it into my brain. And when someone asked me, "How do you know if someone is telling the truth about loving you? How do you know that they are just telling you what you want to hear??" That day I was devistated........but for whatever the reason...... I still need to hear an unprovoked, "I love you"!
If I have a child that needs socks, I would get them socks. If I have a child that needs medicine, I would give them medicine. If I have a child that needs nice clothes to help feel special, I would give that also. Encouragement is free. How easy is it to say," You are beautiful"? How easy is it to say,"I love you"? If my child tells me that what they want for thier birthday is for me to say "I love you",,, I would say it 10 times 10!! If my writing ever reaches an audience that feels like words are not as important as actions,, I hope that my "words" are not easily tossed away. And if you give all material, physical, and emotional needs to the ones you love,,, you know you have tried your best!! I could go on and on and on about emotional encouragement,,, but I have learned through the years to take what you get and make some of your own happiness. One of my greatest lessons I try to teach my children and grandchildren is Love needs to be spoken and shown repeatedly, just like you eat food everday!!
I don't want to dwell too much on this issue, although it is important. There are many things I have learned about my life and my family that I want to share and I will remind you from time to time how important it is to chisel your love onto the stone!!!
Mom and Dad
A young Bride!!!!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
as seen through my eyes....
I haven't quite figured out how to start this new blog. I can either write things that have been important to me and dedicate these writings to My Mother Janis or I can write about her life as seen through my eyes. She always talked about writing a book about her life (good and bad). She was always the kind of provider, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, or friend, who committed everything she did to the other person. She never really did anything for herself. When I watched her through my young child eyes,, I never understood why anyone would put their life on hold and spend every breath creating happiness for everyone else. I never knew for sure, if she was happy living her life that way. I am not sure if she ever thought that life should or could be different than the way she lived it. Well, I saw bits and pieces of sadness from time to time, however, she would not admit to any unhappiness.
The generations of the mid 1950's,, didn't give themselves the option to be "unhappy"!! When a woman said "I Do", she meant,, "I will do and do and do and do and do what it takes to be a good wife, mother and more! My father was 8 years older than My Mother Janis, and he also had strong feelings about the "I Do" words. He meant,, " I will do and do and do, whatever it takes to feed, clothe, and provide shelter for his family. We didn't see our father very much. He taught himself how to fix and repair radio and televisions and soon open a repair shop. He worked many hours to provide what our family needed, including home, shelter, clothing, food, etc... We raised chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, pigs, and quail. Since he thought that wasn't enough... he trapped in the particular seasons for additional income. He made good money for the pelts of racoon, muskrat, mink, coyote, as well as selling the carcus. We planted and harvested many fruits, nuts, and vegetables not only for our consumption, but also corn to feed the animals and additional produce, like, strawberries or green beans, to sell to different markets. There was a time in the summer that my father spent many additional hours fishing, whether with a rod and reel... or trot lines... or fish traps. He never missed a "deer season" or "squirrel season" or any other chance to put food on the table. I missed not having his attention, but learned early that giving me attention was the last on the list of "things to do"!!
My two sisters and I, worked at all of our "idle times" helping. Not having a brother, was very missed at times... but we desperately did whatever was needed. However, to tell the truth,, although our father would be "on" the tractor, or "out" in the swamp, or "in" the woods,, I never stopped wishing I was with him. As you will learn in my writings... the three of us "girls", were all different in our emotional and physical needs, as well as, how we reacted and dealt with the positive and the negative parts of our lives. My "big" sister was and has always been my rock. She always seemed to know "exactly" what to say and do to make things better. I have always tried to be like her. However, she had something I could never master. She never understood why I allowed my doubts to creep into my head and make me cry. She ALWAYS said, "why do you let that stuff bother you?" I never had an answer. I dreamt most dreams about making my parents proud and never feeling "good enough".
My "big" sister tried very hard to "make me feel good enough". There was never a time when I felt like I earned the right to be loved. Ask her now, and she will tell you that "I love you" are just words!
And although we said it to each other,,, I cried many a night, begging God for those words to come from my father. I hope that some of my readers will understand what that feels like! Although I "just knew" he loved me, I could never shake the desire to be held in his arms, or on his lap, or get the kiss on the forehead,,, right before he said those magical words, "I love you". M.a.g.i.c.a.l.,, is the key words. I couldn't explain why it was so important....to me..... it just was. And my father made fun and finally got angry over the issue. There came a time, when I forgot about it and unknowingly... I spent my young adult years, searching for something to fill the void that I thought I had.
Dad, I want you to know that you were a great provider, husband, father, grandfather, and great grandfather. Dad, I want you to know that I understand that you love me. Dad, I never want you to feel like you made any mistakes. Dad it was never your fault that my heart needed something that even I didn't understand. Dad, the only things I ask, is for you to allow me to be "who I am", and for you to know that when I say, " I love you",,, it is not just words,,, it means more than just 3 words. It means, you are, and always have been, and always will be,, the most important man in my life!!
I am the "baby" in the family. I was the last one born. My parents were told that after me being born, they didn't want my mother to have anymore children. My mother had the first two children in the same year!! January 1957 and December 1957. They were both C-section births as well as my birth also, being 3 years later. For some reason, I sometimes felt that I was their last chance to have a "boy". And maybe that alone is what manifested the thoughts of being a failure in myself. There is one other wrinkle in the fabric of what was to begin my life.... I am not sure if there are any normality to being the "baby", being the middle child , or being the first born? I do know that my two older sisters (born in the same year), were sorta raised as twins. They shared many things being so close together. I don't know what life was like before me... however, there was always a competition between the middle sister and myself. I don't have alot of memories of my young childhood,, but the ones I have include, (what I thought of then) as competition between daughter #2 and daughter #3(me)! To this day, I don't understand the resentment that I have always felt between us. I have several memories, that of course, only include the issues that were from my point of view. It may not seem fair, to only give the facts as I saw them. I have always been sure,,, that I did something to deserve it. Maybe, in my writing, I will be able to figure out,, where it all started and where it might end??
I don't know whether to start this part of my blog, with childhood memories, or start from yesterday and work my way back to the day I was born? It seems a little tricky, but, let me tell you what happened yesterday.
My daughter, who is 34 years old, received a letter from a family member. We'll just call the family member, #2 ! She let me read it. It was not like any letter I have ever seen, from a family member. It didn't even start "Dear (my daughter),, how have you been?" She could have written something like, "I heard you have been ill and may have cervical cancer." It could have said," I heard you(my daughter), have been in excrusciating pain for months". It could have said something like, "Is there anything I( #2 ) can do to make things better?" Or maybe, "I heard your mother(me), has had a cancer scare of her own(me)?" Maybe something like, "We have all been praying for you(my daughter)"..... But, that is not what the letter said. I first want to say that, I don't think that " #2 " has spoken to "my" family since my mother died a year and a half ago, when we had a big "Jerry Springer fighting" moment? Well, I will try to be considerate to her( #2 ) feelings, but if not,,, I will intentionally tell the absolute truth, as I see it. The first thing I thought was odd, for #2 , was the envelope didn't have my daughters last name correct. She changed her last name about 12 years ago. hmmm... The letter began, "You borrowed money over 4 years ago. And your balance is $$ ?, please make an effort to repay your balance. Blah blah blah blah,, blah blah. Love you all, #2 .....". This kind of "love you all" is one of those times that makes you wonder!!
Let's go back to November 10th, 2011, the day my mother died after being hopsitalized for 75 days. The hospital was alot of miles away and very hard for me to make the drive. I have been disabled for over 10 years. Whenever I would call Mom in the hospital, she would insist that I don't make the trip. As always,,, she made her situation sound "not important". Considering that I had limited contact with mom, dad, and my sisters,,, for over 15 years,,, I knew that my mother knew how much I loved her. Even though, sis-two was not privy to the relationship that my mother and I had for that 15 year period,,, the truth was, that Mom and I had grown closer and closer in those times, just as we were always close and at her last days. She knew that she could trust me to be the sounding board,,, when she needed to vent. I spent many many years, biting my tongue and holding my temper as my mom told me things that upset her. She knew, that since I was mostly absent, she could say whatever she needed and trusted that I would not let her words appear in anyone elses ears!! There are many things that I am not prepared to discuss right now, but I will remind my readers that there will come a time, when you feel my tears as if you could see my face while I cried!!!
The 75 days that my Mom spent in the hospital before her death, were the most horrible yet some of the most fullfilling days of my life!!! Some great feelings had come to the surface, as well as, fear for my love for her, being interupted by things beyond my control. The relationship that we had built over the last 10 or so years,,, had gradually become a strong bond. It isn't a secret that my life in my young adulthood, was very troubled. I think if it was simply "the devil" that was against me, I could have dismissed him from my life. The fact that I fought hard to prove myself to my family. Trying to prove that I deserved unconditional love,, wasn't that simple... I will admit, even though I wasn't aware at the times,,, I fought my inner self, which left me too weak to pull up the weeds,,, that shaded the beautiful flowers that were trying to grow. I have been told many many times, that I was the "black sheep"...that I would never have a good life... Without the arms and hands,, of the people who I was trying to please...>>and make love me........... I couldn't reach up far enough to climb out of my hole that swallowed me up! I know NOW, that I suffered most of my years,,, with an illness called "Borderline Personality Disorder". I have NO idea when or how it manifested inside my thought process and I do not "blame" anyone for "not" understanding. Sometimes I regret the 15 years or so, that I spent learning who I am and how to simply "love" myself. Even now, today, when I try to discuss my past issues,, I get the same responce....... "WHY COULDN'T I JUST "NOT" LET THINGS BOTHER ME???"
All I need is for those people who are suppose to love me,,,,, to understand that at 52 years old,,, I have no answer!! And I can only sk forgiveness for so long. Some people are very strong and some people are weak, and some people are rude and some people are mean. Some people love the faults and also the successes. The only answer I have is, I won't judge you, although we disagree, and I hope when you look in my eyes,,,,, you see the love I have for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I will never stop saying,,""I love you"!!!!!!!! And hope that you say it back,,, just because I need to hear it .....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For every time you say it,,,, I will promise to try,,,,,,not disapoint you. !!
Love you all,
Melinda
2013
The generations of the mid 1950's,, didn't give themselves the option to be "unhappy"!! When a woman said "I Do", she meant,, "I will do and do and do and do and do what it takes to be a good wife, mother and more! My father was 8 years older than My Mother Janis, and he also had strong feelings about the "I Do" words. He meant,, " I will do and do and do, whatever it takes to feed, clothe, and provide shelter for his family. We didn't see our father very much. He taught himself how to fix and repair radio and televisions and soon open a repair shop. He worked many hours to provide what our family needed, including home, shelter, clothing, food, etc... We raised chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, pigs, and quail. Since he thought that wasn't enough... he trapped in the particular seasons for additional income. He made good money for the pelts of racoon, muskrat, mink, coyote, as well as selling the carcus. We planted and harvested many fruits, nuts, and vegetables not only for our consumption, but also corn to feed the animals and additional produce, like, strawberries or green beans, to sell to different markets. There was a time in the summer that my father spent many additional hours fishing, whether with a rod and reel... or trot lines... or fish traps. He never missed a "deer season" or "squirrel season" or any other chance to put food on the table. I missed not having his attention, but learned early that giving me attention was the last on the list of "things to do"!!
My two sisters and I, worked at all of our "idle times" helping. Not having a brother, was very missed at times... but we desperately did whatever was needed. However, to tell the truth,, although our father would be "on" the tractor, or "out" in the swamp, or "in" the woods,, I never stopped wishing I was with him. As you will learn in my writings... the three of us "girls", were all different in our emotional and physical needs, as well as, how we reacted and dealt with the positive and the negative parts of our lives. My "big" sister was and has always been my rock. She always seemed to know "exactly" what to say and do to make things better. I have always tried to be like her. However, she had something I could never master. She never understood why I allowed my doubts to creep into my head and make me cry. She ALWAYS said, "why do you let that stuff bother you?" I never had an answer. I dreamt most dreams about making my parents proud and never feeling "good enough".
My "big" sister tried very hard to "make me feel good enough". There was never a time when I felt like I earned the right to be loved. Ask her now, and she will tell you that "I love you" are just words!
And although we said it to each other,,, I cried many a night, begging God for those words to come from my father. I hope that some of my readers will understand what that feels like! Although I "just knew" he loved me, I could never shake the desire to be held in his arms, or on his lap, or get the kiss on the forehead,,, right before he said those magical words, "I love you". M.a.g.i.c.a.l.,, is the key words. I couldn't explain why it was so important....to me..... it just was. And my father made fun and finally got angry over the issue. There came a time, when I forgot about it and unknowingly... I spent my young adult years, searching for something to fill the void that I thought I had.
Dad, I want you to know that you were a great provider, husband, father, grandfather, and great grandfather. Dad, I want you to know that I understand that you love me. Dad, I never want you to feel like you made any mistakes. Dad it was never your fault that my heart needed something that even I didn't understand. Dad, the only things I ask, is for you to allow me to be "who I am", and for you to know that when I say, " I love you",,, it is not just words,,, it means more than just 3 words. It means, you are, and always have been, and always will be,, the most important man in my life!!
I am the "baby" in the family. I was the last one born. My parents were told that after me being born, they didn't want my mother to have anymore children. My mother had the first two children in the same year!! January 1957 and December 1957. They were both C-section births as well as my birth also, being 3 years later. For some reason, I sometimes felt that I was their last chance to have a "boy". And maybe that alone is what manifested the thoughts of being a failure in myself. There is one other wrinkle in the fabric of what was to begin my life.... I am not sure if there are any normality to being the "baby", being the middle child , or being the first born? I do know that my two older sisters (born in the same year), were sorta raised as twins. They shared many things being so close together. I don't know what life was like before me... however, there was always a competition between the middle sister and myself. I don't have alot of memories of my young childhood,, but the ones I have include, (what I thought of then) as competition between daughter #2 and daughter #3(me)! To this day, I don't understand the resentment that I have always felt between us. I have several memories, that of course, only include the issues that were from my point of view. It may not seem fair, to only give the facts as I saw them. I have always been sure,,, that I did something to deserve it. Maybe, in my writing, I will be able to figure out,, where it all started and where it might end??
I don't know whether to start this part of my blog, with childhood memories, or start from yesterday and work my way back to the day I was born? It seems a little tricky, but, let me tell you what happened yesterday.
My daughter, who is 34 years old, received a letter from a family member. We'll just call the family member, #2 ! She let me read it. It was not like any letter I have ever seen, from a family member. It didn't even start "Dear (my daughter),, how have you been?" She could have written something like, "I heard you have been ill and may have cervical cancer." It could have said," I heard you(my daughter), have been in excrusciating pain for months". It could have said something like, "Is there anything I( #2 ) can do to make things better?" Or maybe, "I heard your mother(me), has had a cancer scare of her own(me)?" Maybe something like, "We have all been praying for you(my daughter)"..... But, that is not what the letter said. I first want to say that, I don't think that " #2 " has spoken to "my" family since my mother died a year and a half ago, when we had a big "Jerry Springer fighting" moment? Well, I will try to be considerate to her( #2 ) feelings, but if not,,, I will intentionally tell the absolute truth, as I see it. The first thing I thought was odd, for #2 , was the envelope didn't have my daughters last name correct. She changed her last name about 12 years ago. hmmm... The letter began, "You borrowed money over 4 years ago. And your balance is $$ ?, please make an effort to repay your balance. Blah blah blah blah,, blah blah. Love you all, #2 .....". This kind of "love you all" is one of those times that makes you wonder!!
Let's go back to November 10th, 2011, the day my mother died after being hopsitalized for 75 days. The hospital was alot of miles away and very hard for me to make the drive. I have been disabled for over 10 years. Whenever I would call Mom in the hospital, she would insist that I don't make the trip. As always,,, she made her situation sound "not important". Considering that I had limited contact with mom, dad, and my sisters,,, for over 15 years,,, I knew that my mother knew how much I loved her. Even though, sis-two was not privy to the relationship that my mother and I had for that 15 year period,,, the truth was, that Mom and I had grown closer and closer in those times, just as we were always close and at her last days. She knew that she could trust me to be the sounding board,,, when she needed to vent. I spent many many years, biting my tongue and holding my temper as my mom told me things that upset her. She knew, that since I was mostly absent, she could say whatever she needed and trusted that I would not let her words appear in anyone elses ears!! There are many things that I am not prepared to discuss right now, but I will remind my readers that there will come a time, when you feel my tears as if you could see my face while I cried!!!
The 75 days that my Mom spent in the hospital before her death, were the most horrible yet some of the most fullfilling days of my life!!! Some great feelings had come to the surface, as well as, fear for my love for her, being interupted by things beyond my control. The relationship that we had built over the last 10 or so years,,, had gradually become a strong bond. It isn't a secret that my life in my young adulthood, was very troubled. I think if it was simply "the devil" that was against me, I could have dismissed him from my life. The fact that I fought hard to prove myself to my family. Trying to prove that I deserved unconditional love,, wasn't that simple... I will admit, even though I wasn't aware at the times,,, I fought my inner self, which left me too weak to pull up the weeds,,, that shaded the beautiful flowers that were trying to grow. I have been told many many times, that I was the "black sheep"...that I would never have a good life... Without the arms and hands,, of the people who I was trying to please...>>and make love me........... I couldn't reach up far enough to climb out of my hole that swallowed me up! I know NOW, that I suffered most of my years,,, with an illness called "Borderline Personality Disorder". I have NO idea when or how it manifested inside my thought process and I do not "blame" anyone for "not" understanding. Sometimes I regret the 15 years or so, that I spent learning who I am and how to simply "love" myself. Even now, today, when I try to discuss my past issues,, I get the same responce....... "WHY COULDN'T I JUST "NOT" LET THINGS BOTHER ME???"
All I need is for those people who are suppose to love me,,,,, to understand that at 52 years old,,, I have no answer!! And I can only sk forgiveness for so long. Some people are very strong and some people are weak, and some people are rude and some people are mean. Some people love the faults and also the successes. The only answer I have is, I won't judge you, although we disagree, and I hope when you look in my eyes,,,,, you see the love I have for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I will never stop saying,,""I love you"!!!!!!!! And hope that you say it back,,, just because I need to hear it .....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For every time you say it,,,, I will promise to try,,,,,,not disapoint you. !!
Love you all,
Melinda
2013
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