Hello world, my thoughts today have been like the movie " Pulp Fiction"!
I have written previous blogs about why I feel it necessary to lie. It really isn't that complicated. Simply listen to what people are talking about and then....... agree with what they say. It already sounds stupid to me too! You can also try learning other people's beliefs or learn what is important to them. You just have to make a mental note of how someone votes, or what religion they believe, or what they think about sugarless tea! I know,,, it sound coo coo to me too,,,now- that is! It even sounds funny, but not to the person who I have lied to. Some if not most of my lies have been by omition only. Someone asks you who you voted for. Always answer a question with a question,like, who they voted for, it only works sometimes.
I hope it doesn't sound too easy. It has taken me many many years, to even understand why and what I was doing. I am and have always been very ashamed of myself. This day will be the first day that I have ever admitted to my horrible behavior. Yes, I can say that I have learned why. I can blame it on someone else. But, today God gave me the reason to tell the world the truth. For one, I desperately hope that I can have an impact on other lives. And for once.. I can do something that would truly make me feel valued. My life is evidemce that nothing good comes out of lies. My earnest hope is that something very good comes from telling the truth.
I had somehow convinced myself that noone would love me the way I am. I could never see the good person that I was, when I was born. I can not honestly say, that my life would have been better if I had told the truth, but I can truly say that I did make my life worse by NOT telling the truth. The truth is, you NEVER want to be the "boy who cried wolf".
I have spent the last 17 years learning to tell the truth. The first thing I did, was distance myself from the people who "I thought" wouldn't love me if they knew the truth about me. And maybe another reason would be because I didn't trust myself to go "cold turkey"! And either way,, I felt I would be totally alone. Does it make sense yet? See, in my head,, they would not have loved me if they knew the truth from the beginning, and they sure wouldn't have loved me if I told them I had been lying.
I first had to figure out who I really was,, without putting it in the context of what I thought people wanted me to be. Between the years of 1987 and 1989 I had gone through my second marriage and remained single for over 2 years. During this time,, I study the Bible every day. I wasn't sure what I was searching for and the meaning of the words in the Bible was hard to understand at times. I sometimes used the Living Bible, with an effort to easier understand the meanings of the writings that I struggled with. I was friends with a couple people who was involved with a Christian study group. It was helpful, because I could ask questions and get answers to some of my questions. I confided in some that I was struggling with who I was and how to "tell the truth" and "still be loved". Most of those in the group had a hard time understanding my delema even though it was clear to myself. When I couldn't get answers as easily as I thought, I would sometimes let my depression get the best of me.
During that time, I moved into the "old" house that my grandmother had lived. It was a place that I felt love from the confines of the walls. I struggled to make peace with life when I was outside this protected haven of mine. I was able to enroll and complete Junior College with a double degree in a little over 2 years.
Although I was very proud of myself, I didn't feel like I had been given much support. The "usual" verbage of "you probably won't graduate" or "I don't know who would hire you". Of course,,, those kinds of statements were followed by a grin. Although they made the "sayer" laugh, I was not amused. I wondered right then, if I had ever been or would ever be "good enough". My mother and father made a proposal that if I stayed and took care of the house,, that he would sign over to the deed so that I could own my own house. I hadn't owned very much in my life that hadn't been taken away from me. This is not to say that I never had anything. I always seem to manage to lose everything I owned,,, each time I married and divorced. Anyway, it seemed like a way for me to finally own something that could never be taken away from me. It meant more to me than they knew. And of course, the day would come when along with any respect I had for myself... they took that away as well. I think my lies took a large leap to consume my life from that point on.
I had lived years 1-18 working along side of my family to work together to survive. We raised our own food for us to eat, corn and grain to feed the animals, as well as, to sell to the markets for money. We raised our own meat, not only for our consumption, but for chicken eggs and quail eggs. We always raised 2 hogs a year that we would render ourselves to put in the freezer as well as, raise baby pigs to fatten up for next year. I didn't have any brothers, so it was left up to my sisters and myself to learn most aspects of the days, and to simply "do what you were told". There were hours spent picking corn by hand as well as, shelling each kernel of corn into a bucket that would feed most of the animals we fed. There were hours spent picking strawberries, green beans, peas, and many many fruits and vegetables that would survive us through the winters. There may have been some free time,,, but it was filled with canning and putting in the freezer,, the food that we had knew we would need. Put the words "ditto" behind ever word,, and you wouldn't have to ask me what we were doing tomorrow. As I grew older, the only extracurricular activies I was able to join, was anything that I could do during school hours. After school, weekends and holidays were spent doing something "meaningful". If I pushed a little to do "something" "anything" different,, I was told we couldn't afford it. We were always told, " this will all be yours someday"..... I was a GREAT student and a great friend. I even considered myself a great sister. If you ask me if I was a great daughter??? I am not sure how to answer. I do know, that there are thousands of memories locked in my brain, some good and some bad. But, all of my memories and dreams include the fact that "it would all be mine some day". It drove me to do better and work harder and fill the questions with the words, it will be worth it someday.
I hope it doesn't sound too easy. It has taken me many many years, to even understand why and what I was doing. I am and have always been very ashamed of myself. This day will be the first day that I have ever admitted to my horrible behavior. Yes, I can say that I have learned why. I can blame it on someone else. But, today God gave me the reason to tell the world the truth. For one, I desperately hope that I can have an impact on other lives. And for once.. I can do something that would truly make me feel valued. My life is evidemce that nothing good comes out of lies. My earnest hope is that something very good comes from telling the truth.
I had somehow convinced myself that noone would love me the way I am. I could never see the good person that I was, when I was born. I can not honestly say, that my life would have been better if I had told the truth, but I can truly say that I did make my life worse by NOT telling the truth. The truth is, you NEVER want to be the "boy who cried wolf".
I have spent the last 17 years learning to tell the truth. The first thing I did, was distance myself from the people who "I thought" wouldn't love me if they knew the truth about me. And maybe another reason would be because I didn't trust myself to go "cold turkey"! And either way,, I felt I would be totally alone. Does it make sense yet? See, in my head,, they would not have loved me if they knew the truth from the beginning, and they sure wouldn't have loved me if I told them I had been lying.
I first had to figure out who I really was,, without putting it in the context of what I thought people wanted me to be. Between the years of 1987 and 1989 I had gone through my second marriage and remained single for over 2 years. During this time,, I study the Bible every day. I wasn't sure what I was searching for and the meaning of the words in the Bible was hard to understand at times. I sometimes used the Living Bible, with an effort to easier understand the meanings of the writings that I struggled with. I was friends with a couple people who was involved with a Christian study group. It was helpful, because I could ask questions and get answers to some of my questions. I confided in some that I was struggling with who I was and how to "tell the truth" and "still be loved". Most of those in the group had a hard time understanding my delema even though it was clear to myself. When I couldn't get answers as easily as I thought, I would sometimes let my depression get the best of me.
During that time, I moved into the "old" house that my grandmother had lived. It was a place that I felt love from the confines of the walls. I struggled to make peace with life when I was outside this protected haven of mine. I was able to enroll and complete Junior College with a double degree in a little over 2 years.
Although I was very proud of myself, I didn't feel like I had been given much support. The "usual" verbage of "you probably won't graduate" or "I don't know who would hire you". Of course,,, those kinds of statements were followed by a grin. Although they made the "sayer" laugh, I was not amused. I wondered right then, if I had ever been or would ever be "good enough". My mother and father made a proposal that if I stayed and took care of the house,, that he would sign over to the deed so that I could own my own house. I hadn't owned very much in my life that hadn't been taken away from me. This is not to say that I never had anything. I always seem to manage to lose everything I owned,,, each time I married and divorced. Anyway, it seemed like a way for me to finally own something that could never be taken away from me. It meant more to me than they knew. And of course, the day would come when along with any respect I had for myself... they took that away as well. I think my lies took a large leap to consume my life from that point on.
I had lived years 1-18 working along side of my family to work together to survive. We raised our own food for us to eat, corn and grain to feed the animals, as well as, to sell to the markets for money. We raised our own meat, not only for our consumption, but for chicken eggs and quail eggs. We always raised 2 hogs a year that we would render ourselves to put in the freezer as well as, raise baby pigs to fatten up for next year. I didn't have any brothers, so it was left up to my sisters and myself to learn most aspects of the days, and to simply "do what you were told". There were hours spent picking corn by hand as well as, shelling each kernel of corn into a bucket that would feed most of the animals we fed. There were hours spent picking strawberries, green beans, peas, and many many fruits and vegetables that would survive us through the winters. There may have been some free time,,, but it was filled with canning and putting in the freezer,, the food that we had knew we would need. Put the words "ditto" behind ever word,, and you wouldn't have to ask me what we were doing tomorrow. As I grew older, the only extracurricular activies I was able to join, was anything that I could do during school hours. After school, weekends and holidays were spent doing something "meaningful". If I pushed a little to do "something" "anything" different,, I was told we couldn't afford it. We were always told, " this will all be yours someday"..... I was a GREAT student and a great friend. I even considered myself a great sister. If you ask me if I was a great daughter??? I am not sure how to answer. I do know, that there are thousands of memories locked in my brain, some good and some bad. But, all of my memories and dreams include the fact that "it would all be mine some day". It drove me to do better and work harder and fill the questions with the words, it will be worth it someday.
