August 19th, 2013
I have been searching every day,, with questions that I don't have answers for. I don't feel abused. I don't feel wronged. I don't feel jealous or defensive. I have "always" written my feelings on paper. From a young teenager, I have used many pages of paper to resolve my own issues. I have always felt,, that if I revealed my feelings vocally, that I would be judged for having different thoughts as the people that are around me. Or that I would not be "loved" if I was different. I am not sure where those emotions came from, for sure. However, I have always kept my true emotions locked inside. To this day, I think out loud, which can sometimes be bad. Sometimes my words don't come out right and with writing, I can backtrack and erase! I always start my writings or vocal messages with, I have no intention of hurting anyone. And my feelings are my feelings. I lived all of my childhood and most of my adulthood never hearing words like, I could be anything if I try . I did learn many many years into adulthood, that I suffered with "Borderline Personality Disorder. I have wondered since then, if had I known about the disorder, maybe my life would have been so different. This illness causes a person to feel worthless, to feel not good enough, or can make your decision process so different than "normal" thoughts. I never wanted use this as an excuse for hurting people with my words. However, I know now, that my life could have been much different. I think the hardest thing for me was, needing the verbal and emotional validation of emotion, even when the physical proof was always there. If you are confused I will say, a very good example would be, although there was much physical proof that people loved me,, I always needed those words to be to cement it into my brain. And when someone asked me, "How do you know if someone is telling the truth about loving you? How do you know that they are just telling you what you want to hear??" That day I was devistated........but for whatever the reason...... I still need to hear an unprovoked, "I love you"!
If I have a child that needs socks, I would get them socks. If I have a child that needs medicine, I would give them medicine. If I have a child that needs nice clothes to help feel special, I would give that also. Encouragement is free. How easy is it to say," You are beautiful"? How easy is it to say,"I love you"? If my child tells me that what they want for thier birthday is for me to say "I love you",,, I would say it 10 times 10!! If my writing ever reaches an audience that feels like words are not as important as actions,, I hope that my "words" are not easily tossed away. And if you give all material, physical, and emotional needs to the ones you love,,, you know you have tried your best!! I could go on and on and on about emotional encouragement,,, but I have learned through the years to take what you get and make some of your own happiness. One of my greatest lessons I try to teach my children and grandchildren is Love needs to be spoken and shown repeatedly, just like you eat food everday!!
I don't want to dwell too much on this issue, although it is important. There are many things I have learned about my life and my family that I want to share and I will remind you from time to time how important it is to chisel your love onto the stone!!!
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